


A Wolf's Bane

by sturfadurf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Canon Compliant, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2019-12-26 19:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18288581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sturfadurf/pseuds/sturfadurf
Summary: In the spring of 1997, Harry unexpectedly bumps into a very anxious Tonks. She says something about someone being attacked, and how she needs to speak with Dumbledore, but Harry never really understood why. The next day the papers release an article about a young boy who was brutally murdered by a werewolf. Rumors were saying it was Fenrir Greyback. But what if it hadn't been him?





	1. Chapter 1

**A Wolf’s Bane- Chapter 1**

Today, Tonks observed, was a day of grey. Everywhere she looked was tarnished with the unsightly color. The sky was a sickly tinge, threatening rain and wind. The roads glistened with a pale mist. Even the people wore greys and browns, as if they would rather blend in with the world than be seen. They rushed past her, eyes averted, boots slapping against the wet cobblestone. One hand clutched recently bought goods close to their cloaks, the packages sealed with brown wax paper to keep out the damp. The other hand was always inside a pocket, fingers wrapped warily around a wand. 

Tonks was no different. She stowed her wand in the left hand sleeve of her cloak; easily accessible no matter how she held her arms. At the moment, they were crossed; a gesture of control, a call for respect among the passerby, perhaps also partially to keep herself warm. She was standing at the brick-walled entrance to Diagon Alley, stationed there for the evening on the Ministry's orders to protect the shoppers. On any other day, it would be a menial task, perhaps even unnecessary. Tonks frowned, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Not today, though. Not this year even.

Half of the shops were closed. It had been like that for a while now. The lack of bright lights illuminating the streets transformed the Alley into nothing but a pathetic sweep of crumbling buildings. _Greyened. The verb. To de-colorize the otherwise colorful. The word seeps its way into everything, it seems._

Ever since Ollivander was taken, small pawn shops had opened up along the Alley selling second hand wands. Other shops had taken to selling products conceived from paranoia: curious pagan remedies, curse-lifters, poorly enchanted Dark Magic detectors. It was a gross attempt to profit off of the looming war, but people were always falling for such gimmicks. 

The Muggles acted differently too. Tonks had noticed this over time. The strange unexplained phenomenon, disappearances, deaths, the Prime Minister having too many unexpected house calls by suspicious folk in robes...they felt something was off too. It hung in the air like the mist in the Alley. But unlike wizards, they could pass through and ignore it. Not Tonks' father though. He was in the thick of it all, clinging to both worlds, but not really being a part of either. She wondered how he managed it sometimes.

The sun had gone down, and the streets were now quiet. There was a chill in the air that Tonks did not like, but it didn't feel quite like the icy chill of Dementors, so she ignored it. A street light flickered and Tonks heard a soft _whoosh_ of someone Apparating behind her. She whipped around, wand ready.

"Tonks."

It was Kingsley. He conjured up his lynx Patronus as identification before returning her tired smile. Tonks stowed her wand back up her sleeve, pleased to see her colleague.

"Enjoy the night shift Kingsley. I'd watch out for that pop-up shop there; pretty sure those are Charmed plastic wands."

Kingsley raised his eyebrows, his bald head creasing in confusion. Tonks frowned. 

"You know, the Muggle kind that lights up at the end? Except Charmed to do the basic 'happy sparks fly from the end, oh it must have chosen you!'"

"As long as the Charm isn't a version of _Expulso…_ " Kingsley eyed the store windows and sighed. "The place gets gloomier each day it seems."

_Grey, the color of magic. That's why my hair is grey. The magic has made it monochrome._

"Too bad Weasley's Wizard Wheezes isn't visible from here," Tonks said. The Weasley twins new store was still bright and cheery at least. It was a must-go for anyone visiting the Alley. "I should have gone to get a pick-me-up when they were still open."

Kingsley's gaze drifted over Tonks' grey hair, and his expression grew soft, but pitying. Tonks felt strangely vulnerable, acutely aware of how her emotions played into her Metamorph abilities.

"He will be back soon?"

"Who?"

Kingsley paused. "Remus, of course."

Tonks kicked some moss growing over the cobblestone by her feet. "Month or so. You were there when we got debriefed."

"You should let him know how much you've missed him."

Tonks was slightly taken aback. Kingsley sometimes managed to be even more blunt and honest than she could ever be. "Kingsley, I value your advice on pretty much...anything, but I'd rather make my own decisions in regards to relationships."

The tall Auror inclined his head. "I have been on long, grueling missions before. They take everything out of you. There was nothing I appreciated more than being told I was missed."

"I think Remus would more appreciate a very long nap and some of Zonko's finest chocolates. But sure...I will tell him I missed him, if he gives me enough time to say so before he runs off again."

Kingsley chuckled as Tonks’ expression darkened. "I only say...since I ended up marrying the woman who missed me so much."

"Oh, don't let him know that, he'll run and never come back."

"Take care, Tonks, get some sleep."

"See you."

Of course grey had to be the color that would remind her the most of Remus, Tonks realized as she took a few paces away from Kingsley to Disapparate. But grey wasn't necessarily a dismal color. Grey could be warm; a soft blue-grey or a calming greenish-grey. The 'wrap yourself in a blanket by the fire' kind of grey. Remus owned a heavy fleece blanket that he reserved for particularly crummy days. He was particularly sensitive to the weather, and contrary to most men, Tonks had observed, he was always cold. Sometimes he would wrap himself in his fleece blanket even while wearing a wool sweater, and top it all off with a steaming cup of tea. Tonks snorted to herself, thinking fondly of a time when Remus complained about cold feet and she proceeded to cover his feet with all ten pairs of his socks and Charmed them to crackle with magical blue flames, and Remus looked straight into her eyes with a deadpan expression, and stated that his feet were still cold.

"Oh."

Tonks glanced around, disoriented. She had been walking absentmindedly after Apparating onto what she thought was her flat’s street. After a few moments, her eyes adjusted and she began to recognize where she was. A painful knot formed in the pit of her stomach.

She was clear on the other side of London, standing on a somewhat dilapidated urban street. On one side were a line of clumsily built shops, on the other an abandoned pay-by-hour parking lot and a narrow stretch of dead grass, probably serving as a dog park. She could feel the rumble of the Tube as it traveled beneath her feet. The familiarity tore at her chest. So much so that Tonks' visceral reaction was to spin around and try Disapparating immediately again. But of course she couldn't. The protections were still in place.

Flicking wet strands out of her eyes, Tonks began to walk through the mist, head down. Almost instinctively however, she paused at the end of the street and glanced at the second floor window of a Muggle tailors...or where the second floor should be anyway. Against her better judgement, she closed her eyes and imagined the flat's address and code. When she opened them, the second floor had appeared, looking as though it had always been there.

For a moment Tonks wanted to believe Remus was safe inside, perhaps reading a book whilst wrapped in that infamous blanket. She could ring for him at the door, and trip up the crooked stairs to see him waiting at the top, his worn face amused, his wand ready to cast a Cushioning Charm lest she fall. They might enjoy a night of Wizard's Chess (they were fairly evenly matched), or make a simple dinner together and just chat the night away. Remus had a talent for engaging conversation. 

But no, it would be a least another month until he was back. The window was dark, the flat empty. Remus had moved his things into Grimmauld Place, just in case his flat was discovered and broken into. _That’s the reason I’m here, to check that the flat is in one piece._ Tonks didn’t know why she was lying to herself. The truth was she just really missed him.

"Shit." Tonks cursed as a slip of parchment materialized in front of her nose, the familiar blotchy handwriting of her former Auror trainer staining the paper.

"Emergency meeting. Minnie wants extra help. If you're done with your shift, come over."

"Wha--it's two in the bloody morning!"

She caught the parchment and reread it, fighting back a yawn but ultimately resigning to the summons. "Fine, I'm coming, you moldy stump."

Tonks tore the parchment in half and incinerated it. The fire went out almost instantly in the damp air and the half burnt paper fluttered pathetically onto the pavement. Tonks heaved a sigh, feeling what had just happened oddly relatable. Moving out of the protection radius, she squeezed her eyes shut, pushing away her thoughts about Remus, and Disapparated with a pop.

Mad-Eye, Snape, Arthur and Minerva McGonagall were sitting at the wooden table when Tonks arrived. They all looked rather disheveled and weatherbeaten, clearly as disgruntled as she about this emergency meeting. Arthur and Minerva were still wearing night-clothes underneath their cloaks. Snape and Mad-Eye were fully dressed, unsurprisingly, although Tonks wasn't so sure if Snape or Mad-Eye ever really slept at all. The group looked around when she entered, and Minerva got to her feet.

“Excellent, thank you for coming, Tonks."

"Yeah, well, I don't want to be here." Tonks announced to the sleepy room. "But I am so dutiful and I come to meetings anyway...where is Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore had been more and more infrequent in their meetings; Kingsley and Minerva were leading the group more often than not. _Shouldn't call it the Order of the Phoenix anymore...Order of the Lynx has a good ring to it..._ Tonks hadn't seen the old wizard since before the Holidays.

"Albus is away at the moment," Minerva snapped, gesturing for Tonks to sit. She stood at the head of the table, her Patronus glowing faintly beside her, taking in the proceeds of the meeting. Tonks dragged a chair back and plonked herself down next to Mad-Eye. 

"Where? What is he doing? Why can't we know?"

"Are you usually this reprehensible during Order meetings?" Snape interrupted, glaring at Tonks. 

"Well if you also came to more of them-"

"It is too late at night to waste time bickering," Arthur admonished. He had taken his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, looking exhausted. "Those of us who can be are here, let's get started."

Mad-Eye elbowed Tonks, and tossed her a toffee. Despite her general annoyance, Tonks fought back a smile. He did this every time she was overly cranky or wouldn't shut up; it was their inside joke. _Can't talk easy if you are chewing toffee._

Minerva took a deep breath, summoning her usual brisk manner with difficulty because of the hour. "We have been tipped off by Charity that there will be another Muggle raid, planned to occur around nine, seven hours from now, in Harrow. With the Aurors strapped for wands as it is, and with the impact of this raid affecting a predominantly Muggle community, the Ministry is effectively ignoring the tip off. Obviously, we should not. I would like some help in building a magical perimeter to ward off the raid, if any of you are available. Preferably early tomorrow mor--"

Minerva stopped short as the sound of the front door opened. Tonks' first thought was that Dumbledore had arrived, but the absence of his swishing cloak and long purposeful strides down the hallway proved her wrong. Instead there was a disturbing silence. 

Everyone took out their wands and quietly rose from their chairs. With a silent look, Minerva counted to three and Tonks and the others simultaneously lit their wands, pointing them blindingly into the hallway. The dazzling light illuminated the dust floating in the air and covering the moth-eaten curtains that hid the portraits on the wall. The light also illuminated a figure.

Tonks' heart stopped. Leaning against the wall, wrapped in a thin traveling cloak, was none other than Remus Lupin. He looked terrible. His graying hair was matted and clung to his forehead, which glistened with a sickly sweat. He had clearly lost weight; his cheekbones were prominent and his sharp jaw bone was covered in uneven stubble. It had been almost three months since Tonks had last seen him, and his second excursion as a spy in various werewolf camps. He had looked worse for wear after the first mission, but that did not compare to how he looked now. 

Something was horribly wrong.

"Are...you okay?"

Tonks whispered the words not as a legitimate question, but in the hopes that somehow, somehow her gut was wrong, and Remus was just tired and simply needed some soup, a shower, and a warm bed. Remus peered dazedly through the wandlight at the group at large, a hand shielding his eyes. 

"I need...my wand."


	2. Chapter 2

**A Wolf's Bane - Chapter 2**  
Tonks stared blankly at him for a moment, and then remembered. Remus had left his wand behind when he went to spy on the werewolves. Most of Greyback's following never had a magical education, never learned to use a wand...Remus' reasoning was that they would never truly trust him if he approached them as a fully capable wizard. He had to be more like them; an outcast, with a broken wand and a renounced wizarding education.

"Are you alright? Are you hurt?"

Minerva made to approach Remus, but Mad-Eye flung out an arm to stop her. The grizzled wizard pointed his wand threateningly.

"What dark object did we find in the attic of Grimmauld Place while cleaning it out last year?"

It looked as if Remus was struggling for consciousness, and he did not answer him. Mad-Eye tightened his grip warily.

"Was it the full moon?" Minerva asked carefully. This triggered some response. Remus jerked his head in a semblance of agreement. Minerva seemed to take this as a satisfactory answer for Remus' state, but Tonks frowned. She had seen Remus minutes after a transformation before; something was different this time. 

Remus always held a remarkably defeatist attitude when it came to his condition. An 'it is what it is' mentality. After Sirius had died, Tonks tried to do what she could to help Remus after the full moons during that summer. He had never asked for her help, but he didn’t outright reject it either. He would simmer quietly in his self hatred while Tonks fussed over getting him something to eat, making him tea, making sure he was comfortable while his body healed from the trauma. He refused to talk about his lycanthropy during those moments. Over any topic he preferred silence. Tonks sometimes got the impression that he was angry with himself, angry with his vulnerability and having her see that part of him.

But seeing this Remus, looking shaken and confused, his eyes a somewhat inhuman amber, felt wrong...was wrong. 

"Answer my question," growled Mad-Eye. "You have seconds before I Stun you."

"A mug," Remus replied finally, his voice hoarse. "It leaked poison on command."

"Alright c'mon, let's get you out of this moldy hallway," Mad-Eye grunted, his demeanor shifting tangibly. He limped over to Remus to help him into the kitchen, but Remus coiled away from him, muttering that he could manage. Tonks lowered her wand, giving him a timid smile as he approached, but he seemed too preoccupied staying upright to notice. When he reached the doorway of the kitchen however, Remus paused.

"What are you all doing here?"

"Emergency meeting," said Minerva. "We need extra hands to disband a raid."

"Since you are here," Snape interjected suddenly, breaking away from the clutter of people at the door of the kitchen, "Do you have anything to report? Or was your little vacation as pointless as it was before the holidays?"

Remus gazed at Snape, his expression unreadable. After a few moments of silence, Snape scoffed.

"Useless. As usual."

"Give it a rest, Severus, I'm sure when he's ready he will tell us-"

"They say you work for Voldemort," Remus said, still gazing at Snape.

"I'm a spy, and a much better one than you," Snape said flatly. Remus did not react.

"They say you made an Unbreakable Vow."

Snape raised a thin eyebrow. "And who are 'they'?"

"Why did you make an Unbreakable Vow? It wasn't for Dumbledore."

There was a silence. Snape studied Remus' face.

"I wouldn't believe what the werewolves are saying, Lupin. Rumors have no bearing."

"Then what I have to say about my mission can be for Dumbledore's ears alone."

Snape's lips thinned but he did not respond. The air was tense. Tonks struggled to think of something to say but her mind was still in shock. She had rehearsed the moment she'd see Remus again. A month from now, he was to sneak out of the encampments, enter back into wizarding society, and she would approach him, attempt to put their past behind them, find what it meant to be friends again. Find that trust again. But he was in front of her now, and all she could do was stare helplessly, her wand in a limp hand. He seemed like a stranger.

The stranger suddenly dry heaved. In a panic, Minerva ran to fetch him some water.

"Remus, you should probably lie down. You've clearly had a rough night." Arthur said in his quiet but authoritative fatherly manner.

"Where's my wand?" There was a tremor of fear in Remus' voice that Tonks had never heard before.

"You left it in Sirius' room, remember?" She said gingerly. She could tell Remus heard her, but he refused to look at her. Guilt plagued her mind. _I'm only causing more discomfort. Maybe I should leave._ But she was rooted to the spot, unable to move.

Remus barely made ten paces towards the stairs before he heaved again, holding a hand to his mouth. A horrible dark viscous liquid dripped from between his fingers onto the floor, and when he pulled his hand away, it was covered in blood.

Snape cursed violently. Arthur grabbed Remus' arm to steady him. Minerva hurriedly placed the goblet of water on the table, taking out her wand. 

"Here we go, that's alright, I've got you..."

"He's hurt..."

"We need to take him to St. Mungo's..."

Mad-Eye was snapping up his cloak. "I'll call for emergency transport..."

But Remus wasn't listening.

"It isn't mine..." he croaked. "I'm not hurt."

"What?" Four pairs of eyes blinked in surprise. The fifth pair narrowed.

"He's saying it isn't his, because it isn't his blood."

Snape's tone was level, but as Tonks glanced at him, she could see a mixture of surprise, dawning disgust, and perverse delight twist his features. "He isn't bleeding internally. He attacked something." Snape's eyes glittered as he glanced at the blood covering Remus' hands. "Or someone."

"My wand." Remus' voice grew hard. Arthur Summoned Remus’ wand, and caught it as it sailed down the staircase and into the kitchen. Making no motion to wipe his hands clean, Remus took his wand and pointed it at the blood.

_"Homenum Revelio."_

The group's silhouettes all glowed brightly for a minute as the blood magic did its work. The blood on Remus' hands and the speckles on the floor shone a brilliant icy blue. Remus’ already pallid face went white as a sheet. No one spoke. Tonks couldn't breathe. She felt as if someone was smothering her. She could not take her eyes off of the blood as it glowed innocently; a spotlight in the otherwise dark room. 

_He attacked someone. Merlin... he actually attacked someone._

Silently, Remus siphoned off the drying blood with a spell, the only sound in the room his slightly labored breathing. Tonks felt completely useless, watching him clean away the stains that she felt sure would haunt him for the rest of his life. She could only stare, her mind blank but for a few pathetic words of consolation she would never actually utter. There could never be appropriate words for this.

It was Mad-Eye who spoke first.

"Do you remember anything?"

Wordlessly, Remus shook his head. 

"Couldn't be from...another werewolf?"

Remus' brow knotted, and he shook his head again. Tonks knew what he was thinking. Whether the blood was from a werewolf or a human, he still attacked a person. _I take pride in the fact I have never contaminated another in my thirty one years as a werewolf._ Remus’ words from a more distant past echoed in Tonks’ mind, from a time when Sirius was still alive, when the war seemed farther away...

Mad-Eye's expression was mournful. "That's rough, son. Arthur's right, get some rest. You'll feel better in the morning."

The former Auror turned to Minerva. "I will start putting up some barriers, Minnie. Expect me on the corner of Headstone Road around eight."

Minerva nodded, still very shaken. Mad-Eye fumbled in his coat pocket and took out a small phial full of a clear liquid. He held it out to Remus.

"Here. Helps with the nerves. If you need it. Sorry I have to go, but there is work to be done. Tonks," Mad-Eye's magical eye swiveled around to bore through her. "You'll take care of him?"

Remus hadn't taken the phial. Mad-Eye offered it to Tonks instead, who took it, meeting Mad-Eye’s gaze with difficulty. She felt so lost that she couldn't hold back a pleading look. Her mentor simply gave a grim smile, and stomped out of the room.

Color was finally coming back into Remus' face, but his expression was turning cold, forcing down the palpable fear shown before and internalizing the reality of the situation in his characteristic manner. Tonks felt strangely comforted by this; at least he was starting to act more like himself.

“Well, this certainly changes things, doesn’t it,” said Snape, once Mad-Eye was gone. He looked malevolent. A muscle twitched in Remus’ jaw. “Where was your control, Lupin? Does it get harder, year after year, depriving yourself of human flesh? It must have been easy, then, letting yourself go while living among the other half-breeds--”

"Severus, we don't know exactly what happened-"

"Lay off, Snape, it wasn't his fault-"

"You all saw the blood was human," Snape spat, cutting off Minerva and Tonks. “Would you dismiss his accountability?” 

Snape approached Remus, holding his wand aloft. “I will tell you how this changes things. You are no longer any better than them. You can no longer parade yourself as... _domesticated_.”

“Severus, that is enough.” Minerva had found her sharp voice once again. “I believe our meeting is over, Severus. Go help Alastor with the barriers. Your presence here is no longer necessary.”

Snape’s lip curled, still looking at Remus with an unmasked hatred, but Tonks could see a slight tremor in his wand hand. After what seemed an eternity, he finally backed away, but turned briefly in the doorway to survey the group once more.

“You are all too quick to defend a guilty werewolf. Consider what that might mean.”

Snape’s cloak flapped as he disappeared down the hallway. A heavy silence fell in the kitchen once again. Remus’ eyes were downcast; he had crossed his arms tightly around him, hiding his hands. They were clean now, but dried blood still flecked the floor. Tonks peered at Arthur and Minerva, and realized, with a pang of guilt, that the three of them had all unconsciously backed away from Remus, leaving several meters of space. _Are we afraid? Why are we afraid?_

“Remus,” began Arthur quietly. “Tell us what we can do to help.”

Remus shook his head. He looked as if he was battling with himself. “I need...out.”

He shouldered past Tonks and made for the door. He smelled of forest and mud and sweat. She followed him anxiously.

"Wait, Remus, w-where are you going?"

“Away.” 

They had reached the hallway. Tonks jumped forward, trying to get between Remus and the front door, but her shoe caught an uneven wood plank, and she tripped, grabbing the moth eaten curtains and accidentally ripping them open to steady herself. The painting of Sirius’ late mother came into view. Mrs. Black’s sallow face took one look at Remus and she spat angrily at him, her fists shaking with fury. 

_“You horrid creature, how dare you enter my house again! You half-breeds should all have been wiped out--”_

Remus grabbed for the doorknob in a panic and flung the door open; damp, cool air billowed into the hallway as he stumbled out onto the street. Mrs. Black continued to scream obscenities, her cracking voice following Tonks as she picked herself up from the floor and hurtled after Remus.

“Remus, please, you shouldn’t be alone--”

Remus wouldn’t stop. In an outburst of panic, Tonks pulled out her wand and sent a Stunning Charm straight at his back. He stumbled forward, and for one heart-stopping moment Tonks thought she had gotten him, but then he twisted and disappeared with a faint pop into thin air. Tonks kicked the ground in frustration, suddenly finding it very hard to see.

"Where did he go?" Arthur and Minerva were at her shoulder, both slightly out of breath. Mrs. Black’s screams halted suddenly as the wind blew the front door shut with a snap.

Tonks eyes were burning. "Who knows."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The next day encroached like a thick fog. It was no longer misting, but a sharp odor of mold hung in the air, making for an equally dismal Saturday. Tonks shivered at the edge of the Hogwarts grounds. She felt as if her capacity for anxiety had been maxed out. Remus was nowhere to be found. Abandoning any hope of sleep that night, she, Arthur, and Minerva had scoured every place they thought Remus might have gone. They even trailed close to the small werewolf encampment in case Remus had returned, but the encampment appeared to be abandoned. They had grudgingly given up only when the sun had started to rise; Tonks was summoned for guard duty on the Hogwarts grounds and Arthur and Minerva had to meet with Mad-Eye and Snape to disband the raid.

There was really only one option left; the help of Dumbledore. But he, infuriatingly, was still away. Tonks dug her heel into the wet grass, creating a pocket in the soil that quickly filled with water. _He’s the only one who knows where Remus normally transforms. Why the hell is he the only one who knows?_ That hadn’t been true before. Sirius knew. _But now Sirius is dead, and Dumbledore is never around. Great forward thinking, Remus. You’d rather bleed to death by your own wounds than let another take Sirius’ place?_ Tonks added several more holes in the ground.

She had already searched for Dumbledore of course. His office was locked out; the great griffin did not budge when Tonks tried to ascend its stairs. None of the other professors had seen him, and when she nearly tread on Harry, who had been alone underneath his father’s invisibility cloak, he was just as clueless as she. Most of the students were at Hogsmeade, and the castle and grounds were very quiet. Tonks’ eyes fixed on a line of windows at the top of one of the towers of Hogwarts; Dumbledore’s office. They were specks from where she was standing at the edge of the grounds, but it was clear enough that they were dark. No one was there.

_Maybe I should talk to Harry again, and not be so vague._ He could make a Patronus after all, maybe Remus wouldn’t ignore his message, like he had ignored hers. _Ignored, or never received them._ Tonks squeezed her eyes shut and tossed her head, trying to push aside her horrible thoughts. As she was considering her next course of action, she noticed a man Apparate outside the grounds and come towards her in the familiar gait that could be none other than Mad-Eye. Behind him, another figure Apparated into existence, gliding along like a living Dementor. _Snape._ Mad-Eye was holding a copy of the morning’s Daily Prophet in his hand, and Tonks suddenly felt light-headed with dread.

"Have you seen?”

Tonks slowly shook her head. She couldn’t help but notice that Snape looked a little too delighted. Mad-Eye continued.

"Can't prove it was him, but...a five year old boy was attacked by a werewolf in the area. Name was Jared Montgomery. He didn't survive."

Tonks felt a sudden pain in her chest. Mad-Eye’s magical eye pinned anxiously, betraying his otherwise apathetic expression. He held out the paper. On the open page was a picture of a family; two girls in front of their parents were each holding a hand of a small boy giggling and squirming in the middle of the portrait. Underneath the photo the caption mentioned that the boy had died that morning at St. Mungo’s, his injuries too severe. Tonks turned away, suddenly finding it very hard to see. Mad-Eye tucked the paper away.

“They didn’t get a description of the werewolf. I know Lupin is registered, but without a description they can’t know if it was him.”

“They will still question him, though, won’t they?”

“Not sure if they will, actually. Greyback has already taken the blame. ‘Course he’d do that for the fear of it even if he wasn’t the one who attacked the boy. But I reckon the family will take that as a confession.”

“It wasn’t Greyback,” retorted Snape decisively. “But by taking the blame, he was saving his own skin. The Montgomery family has been targeted by the Death Eaters for awhile now; it was only going to be a matter of time before Lord Voldemort threatened them with the werewolf. Greyback failed a targeting mission in Wales last month. Now, thanks to Lupin, the Montgomerys paid the price, and it would seem as if Greyback did not waste the Dark Lord’s time again.” 

Everything was starting to sound so absurd to Tonks; like a dream that was unwinding as it became more lucid in her mind. Mad-Eye looked away from Snape.

“You haven’t been able to find him yet?”

Tonks’ look was enough of an answer. "He has a spot. It's where he safely transforms, but none of us know where it is…” _Sirius knew. He told Sirius but he never told me._

Mad-Eye’s mood darkened. "That's convenient."

“I need Dumbledore. I think he knows…but I dunno when he’s coming back…”

“He is returning sometime today,” replied Snape, almost haughtily. Both Mad-Eye and Tonks gaped at him.

“How the hell do you know that?”

“He provided me with a timeframe.”

“Only you?” Mad-Eye looked suspicious. Snape smiled silkily but said nothing. Mad-Eye grunted in disbelief as his eye focused on something beyond Snape’s shoulder. Within seconds a brightly glowing Patronus alighted on the ground in front of them.

"A word in my office, if you please." Dumbledore’s voice issued from the Patronus’ beak. The phoenix was gazing directly at Tonks.

"Go. I'll hold your lookout,” said Mad-Eye quickly. He crumpled the Prophet into Tonks’ hands, and pushed her gently towards the castle. _He must have heard. Perhaps he even knows where Remus is. Maybe he even found him._ No, she was getting too ahead of herself. She started to tromp her way to the front gates when she realized Snape was trailing behind her.

“Where do you think you’re going?” 

Snape raised his eyebrows. “To tell Dumbledore the truth of the latest events of course. I am as anxious to find Lupin as you are.”

Tonks could not begin to discern the flurry of horrible thoughts that entered her mind with what she would really like to do to Snape’s face at that moment because he had already pushed past her and was unlocking the great gate. She had no choice but follow him to the now glittering lights in Dumbledore’s office.

\--

Dumbledore was pacing in front of his desk when Tonks and Snape stepped off the stairs. He did indeed look as if he had been traveling. His boots were scuffed and the ends of his robes were caked with dried mud. A traveling cloak was strewn across his desk as if just recently flung off. Dumbledore glanced at Tonks briefly over his spectacles before turning towards Snape.

“I was fortunate this time, Severus. Thank you for being ready regardless.”

“I am pleased to see you are well, Headmaster,” said Snape. “Were you successful?”

Dumbledore drew a deep breath. “No. But we will speak of this another time. I hear Remus ended his mission prematurely. I have tried contacting him, but have received no response. I am hoping you have more information on the matter?” He looked expectantly at Tonks.

“He’s missing. Some of us searched all night. But there is one oth--”

Snape overrode Tonks’ somewhat weak voice. “He is cowering somewhere, and uninterested in being found.”

“Cowering?” Dumbledore looked at Snape intently.

“The werewolf killed a child.” 

“ _We don’t know it was really him_ ,” Tonks hissed at Snape, but his words still hung in the air like a foul smell. She reluctantly handed Dumbledore the Prophet for him to read. Dumbledore’s eyebrows disappeared under the brim of his hat. 

“How did this happen?”

“Presumably he caught the boy’s smell, and did what werewolves do. Albeit over the top.”

“ _All we know_ ,” Tonks began loudly, “is that he showed up at Grimmauld Place last night while we were there, and puked up human blood, which he thinks wasn’t his. That’s all we know.”

“Ah.” Dumbledore’s eyebrows returned. “So there is no immediate danger. Can it be reasonably assumed we have not been compromised?” _We, as in the Order of course._

“It can.” Snape replied, sounding almost disappointed. Dumbledore looked satisfied. He moved around his desk and sat down, as if non-verbally ending the conversation. A bubble of anger grew in Tonks’ chest; she did not appreciate seeing him acting so dispassionate.

“I need to find him, Dumbledore,” Tonks said urgently. _Shouldn’t he be worried, scared even?_ “You know where he normally transforms…”

"Is that where you think he went?”

“It’s the one place I haven’t been able to check.” Because he doesn’t trust me.

“I see.” The old wizard looked weary. “If you could, please wait outside while I talk with Severus. We have a few matters to discuss first.” Dumbledore turned his attention to Snape, fully expecting Tonks to oblige, but her hands curled into fists, and her bubble of anger burst.

“ _No._ We need to go now.”

Dumbledore looked taken aback. The room was silent for so long, Tonks wondered if time had stopped. Her fists cramped at her sides as she struggled to express herself.

“He isn’t in a good place, Albus. He’s never _done_ this before.”

Dumbledore still did not look remotely worried. “Remus knew the risks when he agreed to carry out the mission. He knows he ultimately holds no control over the behavior of his wolfish form. The situation is of course, unfortunate, but I believe it to be an insult to Remus’ intelligence to assume he would lose his composure over this.”

_Then you don’t know him at all. When it comes to his condition, that’s exactly what he would do._

Dumbledore continued. “However, if you think he is in some sort of danger, then we can go.” He stood up and fastened his traveling cloak. “Severus, I will let you know when I have returned.”

Snape stepped forward. “With all due respect, Headmaster, I intend to come along.”

Tonks’ wand was suddenly in her hand, a protective fury she had not truly felt before coursing through her. “Oh, absolutely not. You’re not getting anywhere near him.” _I know exactly what you want to do, you git._

Snape glared at her. “I cannot let him get away with this. He has been treading on thin ice for years now; threatening the lives of plenty of students during his years at Hogwarts, nearly killing me, nearly killing Potter and his friends. Nearly killing _you_ last year, if I recall.”

“That was my fault, not his,” said Tonks defensively. The one time he had agreed to transform with Sirius in Grimmauld Place was during a total lunar eclipse. _He warned me, everyone knew to stay away from the house that night. He warned me, but sleep-deprived me just completely forgot…_

Snape loomed over her, ignoring her drawn wand. “Believe me, Nymphadora, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to finally turn him in for his years of reckless endangerment. And now that he has committed a murder, it has become my duty. Anyone with any sense would do the same.”

“You don’t know it was him!” Tonks threw a Stinging Hex at Snape, but he casually deflected it. Dumbledore swept in between the two of them before they could start a proper duel and grabbed Tonks by the arm. She tried to wrestle herself free, but his grip was too strong.

“Severus, I think it best if you remain here.”

“But Headmaster, surely--”

“Stay here.” Still gripping Tonks, Dumbledore twisted on his heel, and the pair of them Disapparated, leaving Snape to smolder in the Headmaster’s office.

\--

Within seconds Tonks found herself Apparated into the countryside. There was a small row of trees and various shrubbery smattering the landscape; but otherwise the hillside was quite open. A simply constructed, but clearly abandoned structure emerged from the hillside as Tonks followed Dumbledore down the slope. It had only one window, which was boarded up, and moss covered the rocky frame, acting as natural camouflage. Even from her distance, Tonks could see the door shimmering faintly with protective charms, and as her eyes traced its outline, she noticed the charm spreading all the way around the building, encompassing the hideout like a sheet of cellophane. _Designed to keep something in, and somethings out._ Quickly, she cast a Patronus, and the specter padded its way to the door and passed through. 

_It’s me, Remus. I’m outside._

A minute passed, but the Patronus did not return...which meant it had fulfilled its mission. _Which means he is inside._ Her heart quickened nauseatingly, and she turned to Dumbledore.

"Can I speak with him first?"

Dumbledore frowned. "I understand he may be upset-"

"No, I don't think you do," said Tonks, irritated. "You didn't see him. I want to speak with him alone. Your interest in his mission can wait."

Dumbledore did not look very pleased with her stipulation, but he gestured for her to approach the hovel. 

“As you wish, Nymphadora. I can give you a few minutes, but then I need to speak with him.”

Tonks took a deep breath, feeling terribly anxious. She moved closer to the dilapidated hideout, her mind blanking as she tried to discern which counter-charms she would have to use to break through the protective barrier and get to Remus. She settled instead by calling out his name.

“Remus?” 

The wind carried away her voice, and she felt a bit foolish. _Silencing charms work both ways, he’d never hear me._ It would be all so much easier if he just opened the door. She looked behind her, wondering if Dumbledore might know what to do, but he was no longer in view.

Tentatively, she sent a few counter-charms at the shimmering door, and unsurprisingly, nothing happened. She wasted several more minutes attempting to carefully break the seals before giving up and sending several bombarding curses against the door. It shook underneath the strain, and a layer of magical protection weakened, like a seam ripping apart. Reinvigorated, she prepared herself for another stream of curses when the door suddenly flung open.

"Tonks, _really_?" Remus was standing at the doorway, looking distinctly annoyed. He glanced around the doorframe, noticing the broken charms. "It took me _months_ to layer up these protections."

Tonks did not feel at all guilty. She thought she would melt from relief seeing him standing, albeit somewhat aggressively, at the doorway. It took all of her power not to wrap him in a warm much-needed hug. "We were just so worried about you. How--how are you doing?"

That was a silly question. He looked exhausted, sleep having clearly evaded him all night as well. He hadn’t washed, he hadn’t shaved, he hadn’t changed clothes. He looked just as he did hours ago, although his tired but wary eyes were again a familiar hazel. _Whatever strength the attack gave the wolfish form must be gone._  
Remus’ brow furrowed and he looked restless. “I feel...more like myself, if that’s what you’re asking.”

It wasn’t, really, but Tonks smiled softly anyways. She peered behind Remus; half expecting to see a small yet cozy room, but the space was hollow and empty. The rough stone walls were protected with Cushioning Charms, and the floor was bare save for a chest that Remus presumably used to store his clothes and personal items so they wouldn’t get broken or torn apart when he turned. Remus stepped back into Tonks’ view, looking suddenly suspicious. “I don’t remember telling you about this place.”

_Because you don’t trust me?_ “Dumbledore told me.”

Remus blinked and looked about behind Tonks. “Is he back?”

“Yeah.”

Remus’ eyes alighted on Tonks again, and his expression closed. “You told him, then?”

“Minerva sent him a message. She left it vague. I told him...the details of last night.”

The two of them fell into an awkward silence. Tonks hated seeing him close off his emotions, especially in front of her. _I know you think I bungled things up between us but I swear I have always and will always care for you. I’m just bad at the whole love thing. I’m sorry I freaked you out. Are we cool?_ At least that’s what she’d say if they were meeting again after all of those months and Remus was perfectly fine and the Montgomery boy was still alive and well... 

She moved forward hesitantly, and Remus eyed her warily. “So...can I take you back to my place? I mean...you can get washed up, I’ll make you something to eat, you can rest a bit, this place certainly isn’t pulling you any favors…”

She faltered, confused, as Remus began to laugh. It was derisive and incredulous and harsh, and she did not like it at all.

“See...this is exactly what I don’t understand.”

“W-what?”

“You think that all I need is a...bath, and some sleep and the atrocity I committed will simply go away?”

“That’s...not what I’m saying at all--”

“Or maybe I just need to read a really good book and drink some Early Grey and...and do some other _human_ things and that’ll fix me up. Make it easier to ignore what I did.”

“Remus, that’s not what I’m saying.”

Remus glared at her. “Because I am not going to pretend I did nothing. If I did that would make it even worse.”

“Fine,” said Tonks a bit more aggressively than she would have liked. “Then what do you aim to do? Hide here until you starve to death? Break all contact with the world?”

Tonks expected Remus to angrily reply, perhaps about how he intended to become a hermit and renounce his wizarding capabilities, or disappear with the werewolves and stop trying to fit into society, but instead Remus suddenly slumped, his fight leaving him like a fleeing animal.

“I don’t know. But I can’t go back. Even if I wanted to, it could take ages to find the camp again.”

“That’s okay, I’m sure Dumbledore would more than understand.”

“I can’t go back to the Order either.”

Tonks’ heart skipped. “What do you mean?”

“I am a Ministry target now. I can’t risk the Order or its members being discovered while I am being hunted down. I am registered after all.”

The Werewolf Registry. The thinly veiled discriminating department of the Ministry that tagged werewolves in the UK and kept close tabs on them in regards to public safety. Remus was forced into registration during the first war; they slapped on such a monumental negligence fine for the years he kept his identity a secret that he could never hope to pay it off...especially when being registered made it completely impossible to hold down a job.

Remus continued, looking morose. “I would lay low for awhile, but...then I tell myself, I shouldn’t hide from this. I am guilty and that’s the truth of it.”

Tonks gazed at him, trying to discern if he had read the papers and knew about the attack, or was just assuming the worst.

“Do you know what happened? Did you find out?” She asked slowly, reading his face as best she could. 

Remus’ jaw set and it took him awhile to finally reply. “I saw the Prophet. The morning post found me here. This place is well protected for transformations...but it isn’t Undetectable or under a Fidelius Charm.”

Tonks’ heart sank. “You don’t know that was you, Reme.”

Remus shook his head. “I was in the area. I obviously attacked someone. It isn’t difficult to put two and two together.”

“Then why did Greyback already take the blame?” Tonks said strategically, halting Remus’ self accusation. He stared at her.

“That’s impossible,” he said finally, looking thoroughly confused. “He was nowhere near the area.”

“Mad-Eye confirmed Greyback went public and took the blame,” Tonks said. “The family is taking the confession as proof. So you’re safe...from the Registry going after you, I mean.”

Remus rubbed his eyes, completely unconvinced. “But it wasn’t him. Why would he do that?”

“The Montgomery family was already being targeted by the Death Eaters. Greyback was most likely expected to get involved.”

“How do you know so much about this?” Remus looked bewildered. Tonks sighed.

“Snape….who, by the way, is hell bent on turning you in. So I’d keep well away from him for awhile.”

“He’s probably right,” Remus replied, his demeanor caving into even more self disgust. “I should turn myself in. It wasn’t Greyback, I know it wasn’t. I did this. I should hold myself accountable.”

“But you can’t prove it was you--”

“ _What does it matter, Tonks?_ I may not have irrefutable proof it was the Montgomery boy, but I definitely attacked someone! So I ruined a _different_ family, what’s the difference?”

“Reme…” Tonks moved carefully into the room. “Please try not to blame yourself; it wasn’t you, not really…”

“But I wasn’t coerced. I wasn’t forced. I _chose_ to transform out in the open. I bear the responsibility of keeping my condition under control, and I failed.”

Remus became restless, and Tonks knew she had hit a nerve. 

“So...why did you?”

“For the same reasons I left the Shrieking Shack with my friends to wander the Hogwarts grounds. I always thought I had grown out of such recklessness. But I was wrong. We were miles away from civilization; I thought it would be safe enough. It’s easier with the others you know. Wolves and humans are social animals after all.”

The self disgust in Remus’ voice returned. “They aren’t bad people, Tonks. Their circumstances forced them into a harsher life. For most of them, anyway. Greyback is trying to make it more deliberate, of course. I kept my reservations and I would not go so far as to say I trusted any of them, but I still felt a sense of belonging over time. Transforming wasn’t nearly as painful and by no longer confining myself on the full moon I also stopped injuring myself. I clung on to that, more so than I should have. So...it was all my fault, Tonks. I could’ve prevented this. I was being selfish.”

Tonks felt rather helpless. Despite his restlessness, as Dumbledore had rightly said, Remus was managing to keep his composure. It was a simple thing; holding someone while they cried, hugging someone while they panicked. But when that person was assessing their own guilt with profound self-command, Tonks felt like an unnecessary addition to a one-sided conversation. _He panicked alone, is what it really is._ Somehow, her heart sank even lower.

Remus seemed to notice. His brow furrowed. “Don’t pity me, Tonks. I don’t deserve it.”

“I’m not,” said Tonks quietly. “I am scared though...about what happens next. You know...moving forward.”

“I will probably turn myself in,” Remus muttered after a few seconds. Tonks’ mouth went dry.

“They won’t give you a trial. Werewolves have no legal standing.”

“I cannot act innocently in this.”

“You know what they will do, Reme, please don’t.” _Euthanization, that’s what the Ministry called it. Putting down an animal, not a human._

“It isn’t about me, Tonks, it’s about the family. If that’s what they want, then that’s what I deserve.”

Tonks felt sure the fear on her face was palpable. 

“What about the Order? What about Harry? Remus, you _can’t_...”

“Pardon my interruption.”

Startled, Tonks and Remus looked towards the door of the hovel. Dumbledore was standing there, the top of his hat scraping against the doorframe. He looked somber and worn, and was holding a small bag of what Tonks suspiciously believed was his universal peace offering; lemon drops. She wondered how long he had been listening in to their conversation. Remus moved forward, looking stricken.

“Albus, I deeply apologize; I panicked, I shouldn’t have left...”

Dumbledore held out the bag of lemon drops. “You did what you felt necessary for your own well-being, there is no need to apologize.” 

Remus’ paused, unsure, then as if against his better judgement, took a lemon drop. “I hope I didn’t inconvenience you. You didn’t have to cut your own mission short for my sake.”

“I was already returning,” Dumbledore said, smiling faintly. “I am glad, however, to see that you are safe. Why don’t we make ourselves more comfortable?”

He tucked the lemon drops away, and drew up three armchairs from the thin air, indicating for them to sit. Tonks perched uncertainly at the edge of her designated armchair, watching Dumbledore. She still felt oddly protective; it was easy enough to understand by the threatenings of Snape, but there was something about Dumbledore’s concern that felt off. It felt like a facade under which a short temper and a certain disciplinary control lurked. The Headmaster paid her no mind as he gazed at Remus passively over his spectacles while he leaned back in his own chair. After a few moments of silence, Remus cleared his throat, avoiding Dumbledore’s eyes.

“Since you are here, Albus, I feel I should tell you first and foremost that Greyback has contacted certain members of the vampiric caste--” 

Dumbledore held up a hand, and Remus halted. “Nymphadora here rightly expressed the inappropriateness of my demanding a mission debriefing until you are feeling better, so do not trouble yourself.”

“I feel fine.”

Tonks thought Remus knew better than to lie so blatantly to Dumbledore.

“Reme, there’s no shame in not being fine…”

“Yes there is,” Remus said harshly, looking at his hands. The air was tense as he continued. “Similar conditions apply for your capabilities as an Auror, Tonks. Albus is here because he needs to know if I am still fit for active duty with the Order. Correct?”

Dumbledore still looked quite passive. 

“Are you?”

“I can be,” Remus said tersely.

“That is not enough, I’m afraid. You must be of sound mind and vigilance as a member of the Order. Has your circumstance changed this?”

The silence was heavy. As if forced by some invisible magnet, Remus slowly looked up at Dumbledore, and something passed between them, something that made Remus suddenly shake his head and look down, ashamed. Dumbledore’s face hardened. Tonks knew what had happened. Dumbledore had cast Legilimancy and read Remus’ mind.

“That is a pity,” Dumbledore said disappointedly. “I am afraid I cannot allow that, Remus.”

Tonks knew he was talking about Remus’ wish to turn himself in; it must still have been on the forefront of his mind. She looked imploringly at Dumbledore.

“With all due respect, Albus, I don’t recall asking for your permission,” said Remus flatly. He was gripping the edge of his armchair with white knuckles.

“But you must. There are far greater issues at stake here than wallowing in your own guilt.”

Remus’ knuckles, if possible, went even whiter. “Greater issues than taking an innocent life?”

Dumbledore sighed and leaned forward. “What happened was truly unfortunate, Remus, I won’t deny that. But we have a war to win, a war that has taken far too many innocent   
lives already. You are valuable asset to the Order, as well as a veteran of the first war, and we need you. So I ask you again, can you put this behind you, and be someone I can trust and rely upon in the Order?”

Remus looked up at the mention of reliance, as if he could not quite believe Dumbledore would suspect him as anything other. But then he frowned.

“It isn’t so simple.”

“But it must be.”

“You don’t understand. I made a fatal mistake; that error in my judgement, when it comes to my condition, is not excusable. I have ruined my own trust, my own respect, not to mention the trust and respect of everyone around me…” Remus lips thinned. “I was supposed to be a wizard. That was meant to be my defining characteristic. You know this, you helped me. But I am no longer. Now, I am a Class V Dark Creature, the Registry will define me as a Level 10, Aggressor, Marked for Murder. That is what I am now.”

“And that’s what you want?” Tonks interjected, her face blanching. Remus shot her a look.

“Of course it’s not what I want, but it’s what I deserve.” He gave his attention to Dumbledore again. “What happened was inexcusable; But instead, you are asking me to act as if nothing happened. To hold up this facade of harmlessness when I know the truth. It was easy before, because I could hold on to the fact that I _hadn’t_ done anything, but that is no longer the case.”

“That _is_ what I am asking of you,” Dumbledore said calmly, but resolutely.

“You can be very cruel sometimes, Albus.”

Something flickered behind Dumbledore’s eyes. A sadness, perhaps; a small indication that he agreed with Remus’ stark words. But as quickly as it came, it went, and his blue eyes became piercing once again.

“You must answer my question, Remus. Can you put this behind you?”

The room was silent for almost a minute. Remus was frozen.

“I don’t know.”

Dumbledore took off his spectacles and closed his eyes, suddenly looking very weary. In that brief moment the Headmaster’s gaze no longer pierced the room or its occupants, Remus’ self-control crumbled away, and he quickly covered his face with his hands. _There it is. Took it’s time._ She instinctively reached out to console him; he didn’t flinch like he had before with the others.

“An honest answer, at least. I thank you for that.”

“I need time,” Remus said, his voice strained. “I’m sorry, I just…need time.” Dumbledore carefully cleaned his spectacles on his sleeve, silently offering Remus privacy as he struggled to dry his eyes. 

“And if I could, I would give you all the time you need. But the war will continue, regardless, and that needs to be our focus. Remus, I must ask you to do something for me.”

Remus’ eyes darkened. “I can’t promise anything, I’m sorry.”

“This task is simple. I need you to close your eyes.”

Remus paused, confused. He glanced at Tonks for a second, and she shared his expression.

“Trust me, Remus.”

With a long sigh, Remus wiped away the drying tear tracks from his face, and closed his eyes. He looked surprisingly at peace, considering everything that had happened in the past day, but Tonks noticed a faint shiver pass over his face. He was clearly still fighting for control. It wasn’t a conversation he ever felt comfortable discussing, Tonks knew; but she had wondered time and again just how much control was necessary. Lycanthropy was a curse on the human soul after all; it must take a significant amount of effort to feel human on days when the curse was more present. _Is it even harder now? Is this what starts the inevitable long term transformation; like with Greyback? For each person he attacks, more of his humanity is stripped away, until nothing is left and his soul is taken over?_ Tonks let out an involuntary shudder.

Dumbledore had put his spectacles back onto the bridge of his nose, and he briefly met Tonks’ eyes. His expression was odd, almost apologetic. He moved slowly, but deliberately. Tonks, preoccupied with interpreting his gaze, barely noticed Dumbledore had taken out his wand. A warning flashed behind the apology, and he looked away, raising his wand to point at Remus. 

Time seemed to slow. Remus’ eyes were still closed, unaware. Tonks made to move, seized by a need to protect him, but she suddenly realized she couldn’t move a muscle. Something was terribly wrong. Her heart beat furiously with increasing panic. Dumbledore ignored her twitching as she struggled to overcome his Body-Bind curse, his wand-hand quite steady as it hovered inches from Remus’ temple.

_“Obliviate.”_

And in one innocent heart beat of a moment, the last eighteen hours of Remus’ life were nothingness.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: None of these wonderful characters or world are mine, alas.  
> Thank you for reading chapter 1.


End file.
